Hello to all 0 people reading my blog.
This is technically my first post so my website doesn't look blank.
So this blog is going to be used for satire and other stuff so don't get pissed off when you see too many cusswords hurting your fragile feelings or bizarre bullshit that would be unacceptable to talk about in real life and whatnot.
But let's forget about that for a second and let me tell you a story that's very close to my heart.
Some time ago, I decided to buy some store brand ice cream since I was
While I was consuming this knock-off dairy product playing some random shooter game, I get a message which I decided to ignore because I wanted to complete the mission on my aforementioned game. After I had completed the mission and finished my frozen dairy-type product, I looked at the message. It was a message from my friend saying he fucked up because he drove his go-kart into a random wall while high and it was now on fire. Obviously I didn't have a clue on how to remedy his situation so I decided to ignore it for 7 whole seconds before deciding to go help my friend.
When I arrived to help my friend at the random wall, I promptly found out that I'd been deceived by him as I found my other friends who were there as well in the "FRANK THIS IS A FUCKING INTERVENTION YOU COCKWOMBLE" sort of way. Obviously I tried to run away before someone tackled me and threw me in a van like a shitty ragdoll to take me somewhere. It turned out that they were "worried" that my mental health wasn't up to scratch anymore and they were going to take me to "get fixed up" which worried me immensely since I had no clue what the fuck that actually meant.
Around 10 minutes later, I arrived at a big house where I was told that everything was going to be okay and so on but it wasn't. In fact, I had been taken to the local coke 'n' cocotte house where my friends were going to indulge themselves in their Latina booty-sniffing blow fantasies while jizzing red goop due to STIs gained from prior visits and poor birth control use from both parties. The place stunk harder than a skunk shitting on a dead rabbit's corpse in the middle of the swamp in Florida but I had fake dairy still coating the insides of my nostrils to protect me for a grand total of 30 seconds before my nostrils were destroyed and I truly wanted to die.
My buddy Duke decided to lead me into a room that stunk of piss and cheap deodorant where he said that I would get a free lap dance from the madam of the house while her husband filmed the entire thing on a shitty DVR from 2002 to upload to some amateur website. I obviously said no as it was one of his idiotic get rich quick scams but it was too late as the whole thing had started happening before I could argue back about how the whole thing was probably illegal and hugely sexist.
Obviously, I recoiled and ran away because I'd rather not be grinded on by someone who may or may not have regular checks because I was too young to spend the rest of the my life spending 5 minutes trying to piss yellow gel that burnt the insides of my urethra more than usual. I ran outside and ran 500 yards down the street away to the town centre so I could take a bus back home but then I realised I had no money left as it was probably stolen by an ex or something a few days earlier. So I decided to take the walk of shame home but not before heading into a sexual health clinic to make sure everything was in tip top shape so the next time something happened down below, everything would be OK and my penis would not fall off in 3-5 business days.
So the moral of the story is that this story is fake as fuck, didn't happen and doesn't mean shit. Furthermore, I can't even make up decent fiction stories for satire so I think my mother and my friends were right in saying that I am an imbecile who has far too much time to do stupid shit like this. You know, rather than focusing on improving myself as person or doing productive things in order to be a decent member of the community. But whatever you take from this make sure you don't underestimate low heat cooking in order to bring out the flavors and whatnot.
Now fuck off until the next time.